The Black Lung [cough]

A four-year study of black soot has found it guilty of major crimes against the environment. This groundbreaking study has linked brick kilns and wood-fired stoves to the production of a major pollutant, second only to the known evils of carbon dioxide.

A huge amount of legislation will no doubt be quickly passed to restrict the production of black soot, including banning all of the following sources:

• Beltane fires attended by nude hippies
• wood-fired backyard pizza ovens
• pottery kilns used for making environmentally-friendly and insanely overpriced coffee mugs
• chimnerias
• Wicker Men
• Guy Fawkes Night bonfires
• Bushfires, both natural and arson-inspired
• Controlled burning of firebreaks
• Quaint gay-friendly B&Bs in the Tasmanian wilderness featuring open log fires

"But hang on!" you cry. "Surely addressing these piddling little sources of black soot is missing the point. Surely we should be attacking the major sources of black soot, like the diesel engines beloved of the developing world, and huge brickworks in China and India?"

Of course. You'd be exactly right.

So why do we pride ourselves on changing the world when we install a piss-ant eco-lightbulb and solar panels that only work if you prime them with a massive government rebate?